Just for Fun

Announcements Gone Bad

What follows are ACTUAL announcements from ACTUAL church bulletins.


  • 1. Don’t let worry kill you –let the church help.
  • 2. Thursday night -Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
  • 3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
  • 4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • 5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
  • 6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
  • 7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
  • 8. Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.
  • 9. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.
  • 10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
  • 11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
  • 12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
  • 13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
  • 14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • 15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • 16. “A songfest was hell at the Methodist Church Wednesday.”
  • 17. “Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns forom a full choir.”
  • 18. On a New York convalescent home: “For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”
  • 19. In the vestry of a New England church: “Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”
  • 20. In a Pennsylvania cemetery: “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own garden.”
  • 22. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference. “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals”.
  • 23. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  • 24. Today the pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy”
  • 25. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  • 26. “Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands”.
  • 27. Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.
  • 28. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say hell to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  • 29. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  • 30. The sermon this morning: “Jesus walks on the water’. The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus’.
  • 31. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • 32. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
  • 33. The “Over 60’s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with thanks.
  • 34. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.
  • 35. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
  • 36. Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.
  • 37. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a terrible experience”.

The Coffin

A hearse reached the entrance to the cemetery at the top of a hill, passing over a speed bump. Its back door flew open and out came the coffin, still on its carriage with rollers. The coffin headed downhill, in the middle of the street, gathering speed as it went. As it reached the bottom of the hill, it was heading directly for the front doors of a drugstore. The coffin sailed through the doors and through the store, straight to the pharmacy counter at the rear. The startled pharmacist watched with alarm as the coffin slammed into his counter, the lid popped open and up sat the corpse who said, “Hey, Mac ! Ya got anything to stop this coffin?”

Simple questions

  • Where do you find a no legged dog?  Right where you left him.
  • Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?   He sold his soul to Santa
  • Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?  He’s all right now.

  • Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?  He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
  • How do crazy people go through the forest?  They take the psycho path.
  • How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?   She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
  • What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?   Polaroids.
  • What do prisoners use to call each other?   Cell phones.
  • What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?   National Dyslexics Association.
  • What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?   A stick.
  • What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?   Nacho Cheese.
  • What do you call Santa’s helpers?   Subordinate Clauses.
  • What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?   Quatro sinko.
  • What do you get from a pampered cow?  Spoiled milk.
  • What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?  Frostbite.
  • What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?   A pachydermatologist
  • What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?   A pool table.
  • What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?   Sanka.
  • What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?   Iceberg.
  • What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?  A nervous wreck.
  • Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?   They all have phones.
  • Why do bagpipers walk when they play?   They’re trying to get away from the noise.
  • Why do gorillas have big nostrils?   Because they have big fingers.

Tips on Love

*From those that should know (all questions are answered by kids, ages 5-10).

WHY DOES LOVE HAPPEN BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE?

  • “No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That’s why perfume and deodorant are so popular.” (Jan, 9)
  • “I think you’re supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn’t supposed to be so painful.” (Harlen, 8)

THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

  • “If you want to be loved by somebody who isn’t already in your family, it doesn’t hurt to be beautiful.” (Jeanne, 8)
  • “It isn’t always just how you look. Look at me. I’m handsome like anything and I haven’t got anybody to marry me yet.” (Gary, 7)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

  • “I’m in favor of love as long as it doesn’t happen when ‘The Simpsons’ is on television.” (Anita, 6)
  • “Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me.” (Bobby, 8)