The Ten Commandments For Marriage

June 6th, 2011

I. Do not place others before one anotherFor this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife. – Gen. 2.24

II. Let nothing on earth become more important than your marriageSeek first God’s will in your marriage and the other things will come as He desires. – Matt. 6.33

III. Speak to one another with kindness and loveLike apples of gold in settings of silver is a word kindly spoken. – Prov. 25.11

IV. Remember to worship together. Oh come, let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord our maker. For He is our God. – Psalm 95.6

V. Love and accept one another’s family as your own. Your people shall be my people. – Ruth 1.16

VI. Do not harm one another with words, attitudes, or actionsLet all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor and evil speaking be put away from you… and be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ has forgiven you. – Eph 4.31

VII. Be faithful to one another. The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. And the two shall become one flesh. – Gal 5.22

VIII. Never take joy from one another.Above all things put on love, which holds everything together in perfect harmony. – Col. 3.14

IX. Always speak the truth in loveWalk straight, act right, tell the truth. – Psalm 15.2

X. Do not desire or  be envious of what others may have.  I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. – Phil. 4.11

 

brad1      family 4

Hi. My name is Brad Lombardi and I am a licensed professional counselor with offices in Branson MO. I am also an ordained minister with 23 years of pastoral experience. I counsel from a Christian viewpoint, attempting to integrate Biblical principles with sound psychology. I provide counseling services for:

  • Families
  • Couples
  • Individuals

looking for hope, healing, and growth.My primary specialties are:

  • Marriage counseling
  • Pre-marital counseling
  • Anger Management
  • Pornography Addiction
  • Adolescent Male Issues
  • Adult Male Issues
  • Unwanted Homosexual Feelings

I am available to speak in Churches and civic organizations, and for seminars and retreats. (See Topics)My office in Branson is at 1790 Bee Creek Road  (map)At this time, I do not accept insurance. I will gladly give you a receipt to submit to your insurance company for a refund. To make an appointment, or for further information:

 

Anger

March 15th, 2011
  • Overview of Anger
  • There are several important things about anger worth remembering:
  • 1. It is a powerful survival tool (fight or flight)
  • 2. It is a response to pain (physical or psychological)
  • 3. It is a source of energy 
  • 4. It is a secondary emotion
  • 5. In anger mode the brain downshifts to a lower evolutionary level
  • 6. Prolonged anger is unhealthy
  • 7. Repressed anger is also unhealthy                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                
  •  Nature has developed the emotional state we call “anger” to help us stay alive. Anger sends signals to all parts of our body to help us fight or flee. It energizes us to prepare us for action. This energy is useful for survival, but inhibits rational thinking, communication, and behavior. Unbridled energy will almost always cause problems. Years ago we were threatened by wild animals who wanted to eat us. Now we more often feel threatened by other human beings, either psychologically or physically. 
  • Primary vs. Secondary Feelings
  • Perhaps the most helpful thing to remember about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel angry. We always feel something else first. One might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, controlled, trapped, interrogated, or pressured. If we cannot identify that primary emotion, we will attach this emotion to a person (or object) and become “angry” – though we could not tell you precisely why we are angry. When all I can say is “I feel angry,” neither I nor any one else knows what would help me feel better. A helpful technique, then, is to always identify the primary emotion.
  • Here is an example. Assume someone wants us to do something we prefer not to do. At first we feel a little pressured, but not enough to get angry. When they keep pushing us, we begin to get irritated. If they continue, we get “angry”. Such anger damages often relationships. One suggestion on how to avoid getting angry in this case would be to express your initial feeling by saying “I feel pressured” before the feeling has escalated to the point of destructive anger. If the person respects your feelings and does not invalidate them, they may stop their pressure. Even if they do not, I believe it is helpful to know what the specific feeling is. Knowing exactly how we feel with others and why helps us in several ways. 
  • First it raises our self-awareness in general. 
  • Second, it helps us communicate more precisely. 
  • Third, it helps us learn more quickly who respects our feelings and who we want to spend time with.
  • Anger as a Response to Fear
  • One of the primitive functions of an animal’s response to fear is to frighten away the attacker. But in modern human life, we often frighten away those who we need and care about most. Besides this, prolonged anger has clear health consequences. These include heart attacks, hardening of the arteries, strokes, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart rate changes and metabolism, muscle and respiratory problems
  • Responding To and Learning From Anger 
  • Anger is an intense emotion. It is evidence that we feel strongly about something. As with every emotion, it has a lesson for us. It can teach us what we value, what we need, what we lack, what we believe and what our insecurities are. It can help us become more aware of what we feel strongly about and which emotional needs are important to us. One way to learn from anger is shown in the example below: Instead of saying, She never should have done that. I can’t believe how irresponsible, insensitive and inconsiderate she is. What a cold- hearted, evil witch she is. a more productive response is: I am really upset by this. Why does it bother me so much? What specifically am I feeling? What are my primary feelings? What need do I have that is not being met? What principles of mine have been violated? From the answers to these questions, we can decide what course of action to take in view of what our goals are. Simply being aware that we have multiple options and that we can decide to pick the best one helps soothe the anger. It may help, for instance, to ask if we really want to frighten away the person we are angry at. As soon as we “upshift” and begin to think about our options and their consequences, and make appropriate plans, we start to feel more in control and less threatened. We get out of the automatic stimulus-response mode and realize that we have choices.
  • Steven Covey has said: For humans, there is a small space between stimulus and response, and in this space lies the power to make choices that will determine the course of our lives. The brain is a powerful instrument, capable of widening this space, allowing us to make good choices and an increased sense of control over our own lives. Simply remembering that we have a choice helps us feel more in control of our lives. Not surprisingly, studies show that people feel better and are healthier when they have a sense of control over their lives. When we use the reasonable, logical part of the brain to think instead of allowing anger to bring us to a survival skills part of the brain, we are able to channel our anger in productive ways to help us achieve our goals rather than to sabotage them. Knowing our goals and keeping them clearly in mind at all times helps us accomplish this. 
  • Here are some suggestions for responding to your anger: 
  • 1. Ask what you are afraid of.
  • 2. Ask what feelings preceded the anger.
  • 3. Ask what other feelings you are feeling.
  • 4. Ask what you are trying to control.
  • 5. Ask what you can control.
  • 6. Consider your options.
  • 7. Choose the option that will bring about the most good – long term. 

Alone

April 22nd, 2009

“Alone” is a word full of potential emotional power. It is a state of separation from others – isolation. It may be sought after and treasured or it may be thrust upon us and dreaded. Wanting to be alone for a time is a natural and popular reaction to the crush of people, noise, and activity assaulting our senses and typically indicates self-awareness and a healthy level of comfort with one’s own skin. (continued below)

brad1      family 4

Hi. My name is Brad Lombardi and I am a licensed professional counselor with offices in Branson MO. I am also an ordained minister with 23 years of pastoral experience. I counsel from a Christian viewpoint, attempting to integrate Biblical principles with sound psychology. I provide counseling services for:

  • Families
  • Couples
  • Individuals

looking for hope, healing, and growth.My primary specialties are:

  • Marriage counseling
  • Pre-marital counseling
  • Anger Management
  • Pornography Addiction
  • Adolescent Male Issues
  • Adult Male Issues
  • Unwanted Homosexual Feelings

I am available to speak in Churches and civic organizations, and for seminars and retreats. (See Topics)My office in Branson is at 1790 Bee Creek Road  (map)At this time, I do not accept insurance. I will gladly give you a receipt to submit to your insurance company for a refund. To make an appointment, or for further information:

 continued….

Alone time can be a valuable asset, providing a time of refreshing, a period of reflection, or an opportunity for creativity. Negatively, an obsessive desire to be alone may be an indicator of a withdrawal from reality, a rejection of friends and family, or a negative self-image.  On the opposite end of the spectrum from being alone is living in community. Community means enjoying satisfying connections – loving and being loved by others. Studies have consistently shown that people with healthy relationships (living in community) enjoy better health, less stress, and greater happiness. A popular theory in psychology introduced by Abraham Maslow suggests that once the basic physiological needs of food and shelter have been met and safety and security have been procured, men feel most fulfilled by seeking the social and community needs of love, affection, and a sense of belonging.  There has always been a tension between the desire to connect with others and the freedom of the solitary life. On one hand, relationships often require work, compromise, and cooperation. On the other hand, being alone, while easier, lacks the joy and fulfillment of healthy relationships. At this time our society places such high value on individual freedom that the benefits of living in community are in danger of being overshadowed. Furthermore, our generation, enchanted by the illusion of ‘virtual relationships’ through such mediums as chat rooms, Facebook, My Space, and Twitter, has increasingly isolated itself. What these offer in terms of ease, speed, and quantity, is countered by the lack of intimacy, face-to-face contact, and commitment that form the brick and mortar of relationships. The result is a predictable epidemic of loneliness.   This loneliness often becomes an ache in the mind and heart, a hole in the soul that needs to be filled. A recent study at the University of Chicago, using fMRI scans to investigate connections between loneliness and activity in the brain, has found that regions of the brain associated with empathy and rewards are affected by loneliness. This would seem to suggest that lonely people tend to seek comfort in non-social places. (ScienceDaily, Feb. 17, 2009)   Meaningless sex, experimental drug use, and high risk activities are often used to fill that void, but with little long-term success and with many potentially harmful side-effects. Science has yet to find a suitable substitute for good friends. If you are lonely, make some friends. Don’t wait for someone else to make the first move. Put yourself out there and be the friend you want to have. You’ll be glad you did.

Hooking Up

February 20th, 2009

Once upon a time there was courtship, a process of mating with a high level of parental involvement that was usually a precursor to marriage. This gave way to dating, where couples escaped the watchful eyes of parents and enjoyed exploring potential relationships in a variety of social and solitary environments with marriage being only one of many possible future options. Dating has since given way to “hooking up” – an intentionally vague term used to describe a semi-random, undefined sexual/physical encounter with no emotional ties. This encounter could range from kissing and “making out” to sexual intercourse. The term could be used to infer more went on than actually did (or less). The key aspect of “hooking up” is the ability to unhook, to separate the physical and sexual encounter from any emotional ties. The hook-up is meant to be very existential in nature – enjoy the moment and move on.          (continued below)     brad11.gif      family 4

Hi. My name is Brad Lombardi and I am a licensed professional counselor with offices in Branson MO. I am also an ordained minister with 23 years of pastoral experience. I counsel from a Christian viewpoint, attempting to integrate Biblical principles with sound psychology. I provide counseling services for:

  • Families
  • Couples
  • Individuals

looking for hope, healing, and growth.My primary specialties are:

  • Marriage counseling
  • Pre-marital counseling
  • Anger Management
  • Pornography Addiction
  • Adolescent Male Issues
  • Adult Male Issues
  • Unwanted Homosexual Feelings

I am available to speak in Churches and civic organizations, and for seminars and retreats. (See Topics)My office in Branson is at 1790 Bee Creek Road  (map)At this time, I do not accept insurance. I will gladly give you a receipt to submit to your insurance company for a refund. To make an appointment, or for further information:

(continued… )          As someone who deals with people and relationships, I can’t help but wonder what the impact of this new social paradigm will be.  The sciences of psychology, psychiatry, and neurology have taught us there are links between mind and body, between actions and emotions. Several powerful and influential chemicals are simultaneously released during sexual stimulation. One chemical released, phenylethylamine, causes sweaty palms, shaky knees, rapid pulse, heavy breathing, and confused emotions – in other words, the common symptoms of we identify as “love”.  Its release to the bloodstream by the brain may be induced by a simple touching of hands or a meeting of the eyes. Is it a coincidence that chocolate has a high level of this chemical?  Another chemical, oxytocin, is known as the “cuddling” chemical, encourages trust and a feeling of safety and satisfaction – ingredients important to bonding and forming relationships. Another brain chemical, vasopressin, has a suppressing effect on the fight or flight impulse triggered by the adrenaline rush of sexual stimulation – especially in men – and instead is believed to encourage emotional interaction.    From a social perspective we can divide our “love” relationships into three separate, neat categories – lust (the craving for sex), romance (the euphoria of attraction), and long-term commitment (mating). It seems obvious, though, that the brain links them all together.  Experience would also seem to show the lines are blurred – hence the awkwardness after the hook-up, the likelihood that one of the partners may be more affected than the other (often the female), and the low percentage of hook-ups turning into long-term relationships.  People are sexual creatures, but are social creatures as well.  I believe we are created by God with a desire to mate for life in marriage and equipped by Him to be able to do so well. Attempting to have sexual encounters without emotional ties is counter to our design and purpose and is thereby causing inner confusion (dissonance) to many. Un-hooking may be harder than we admit and it may cost us our inner peace and our ability to form long-term relationships. 

RESPECT – The First Task of Parenting

September 3rd, 2008

Why is it so hard to be a parent today? For that matter, it is no easy task to work with children in any context today. I believe it is because we have neglected to teach our children what some may call an old-fashioned principle – RESPECT.  (continued)

Brad Lombardi, MA LPC

February 5th, 2007

           family 4

Hi. My name is Brad Lombardi and I am a licensed professional counselor with offices in Branson MO. I am also an ordained minister with 23 years of pastoral experience. I counsel from a Christian viewpoint, attempting to integrate Biblical principles with sound psychology. I provide counseling services for:

  • Families
  • Couples
  • Individuals

looking for hope, healing, and growth.

My primary specialties are:

  • Marriage counseling
  • Pre-marital counseling
  • Anger Management
  • Pornography Addiction
  • Adolescent Male Issues
  • Adult Male Issues
  • Unwanted Homosexual Feelings

I am available to speak in Churches and civic organizations, and for seminars and retreats. (See Topics)

My office in Branson is at 1790 Bee Creek Road  (map)
At this time, I do not accept insurance. I will gladly give you a receipt to submit to your insurance company for a refund. I do accept Medicaid for qualified children and adolescents.

To make an appointment, or for further information: